There’s nothing like the hype of “upcoming IPOs” season – the period when every business with a half-functional app and one PowerPoint slide claims they’re ready to go public. CNBC goes crazy, financial guys start talking in strange terms like “price-to-earnings ratios,” and the rest of us just hope one of them becomes the next Tesla before we have to pay our credit card bill.
Let’s figure out what the hype is all about. IPO stands for “Initial Public Offering,” but in a spiritual sense, it means “It Probably Overpromises.”
It’s when private corporations think they’ve gotten all the money they can from venture capitalists and now want you, the ordinary, emotionally unstable millennial investor, to help them finish the job.
Think of IPOs as the time when a company grows up. The company is getting older (aw), obtaining public investors (cute), and then analysts tear it apart right away (tragic but expected).
There will be a lot of news about “big IPOs coming soon.” What does that mean? “CNBC just told a group of executives how much hype is worth.”
Most IPO postings seem like hot gossip mixed with imprecise goals: “This new AI logistics start-up wants to change how trucks work.” “This fintech app connects small businesses with crypto-lending options.” “This delivery service promises pizza faster… with drones.”
Sure, let me simply put money into that. I can’t afford to pay rent and buy an iced latte at the same time.
Step 2: Why every “upcoming IPO” seems like a bad relationship
You know how amazing an IPO looks on paper? Investors use phrases like “disruption” and “exponential” to describe the company, and its branding is very professional. Yes, that’s the beginning of the relationship.
Then you find out the truth: most IPOs are like dating someone who says they’re “figuring things out.”
First few days after the launch? Everyone is crazy about it. Then, in week three, profits drop, and all of a sudden, every shareholder has “questions.”
Some prospective IPOs will sound too wonderful to be true, yet they are. The corporation will say things like “profitable soon,” “expanding globally,” or “leveraging synergies.” In other words, they’re keeping things together with spreadsheets, good vibes, and the intern who still believes in the dream.
Here’s the thing no one tells you: by the time you can buy shares, the people who work there have already taken all the nice portions. You’re merely paying for their “journey of innovation.” You’re not investing; you’re paying for some tech bro’s third vacation property in Aspen.
The next IPOs won’t perform well because of money; they’ll do well because of vibes. Every listing has its own set of buzzwords that are meant to make you think, “Wow, that sounds like something from the future.” You might hear things like “AI-driven customer empowerment.” (So, a software that sends you emails.)
“Logistics backed by blockchain.” Nothing speaks stability like crypto forklifts. “Fintech ecosystem that lasts.” (Like greenwashing, but with Excel spreadsheets.)
“Next generation social commerce.” (Like shopping on Instagram, but not as easy to use.) These buzzwords don’t signify anything, yet they look great on PowerPoint for investors. And yes, a real good firm might sneak in once in a while, like Birkenstock or Stripe, but for every one that does well, there are twenty that are about to go under harder than your New Year’s budget. Just wait until someone mentions “integration of the metaverse” again. I can smell the losses from here.
Step 4: The Initial Public Offering Rollercoaster — Hype, Crash, and Repeat
Every IPO has the same story arc:
Hype stage: “Historic debut!” shriek the media. Shares go up by 100% in 24 hours. “To the moon” is what everyone is tweeting.
Correction: Prices fall quicker than your willpower during Dry January. CNBC called it “market volatility.” In other words, it’s on fire.
Not accepting: People who invest say, “I’m in it for the long haul.” (You’re not.) Acceptance: You sell at a loss and persuade yourself it’s a tax strategy.
Do you remember the IPO for Uber? It fell harder than my GPA did in my first year. What about Robinhood? Right to hell. Even Rivian attracted so much attention that it flew into space, only to crash into the “oh, trucks are expensive” reality zone.
But every time a new IPO comes out, we look at it like it’s our financial soulmate. We lie when we say this one will be different. But it’s capitalism, baby. The only thing that changes is the font on the brand.
Step 5: The IPOs that are coming up that everyone seems to know about
Let’s talk about things behind each other’s backs. Some of the most talked-about IPOs coming up shortly have already had the internet all worked up.
Here’s a taste of the drama:
Reddit: Yes, the place that ruined GameStop is now going public. A forum run by somebody with the username “stonks_daddy69” is a great way to communicate, “Trust us with your money.”
Stripe: The payment processor that everyone uses but can’t explain. Expect a lot of excitement, tears, and one person on TikTok saying, “This is financial freedom.” Instacart is the supermarket delivery app that will bring you soggy celery for $20.
Chime: The new bank that says it will provide everything for free, but really just takes your sanity.
Databricks: No one understands what they do, but they said “AI” so many times that everyone clapped.
All of these could be the next big thing in e-commerce. Or they may be like Fyre Festival in terms of money. The odds are in favor of the latter. You might still buy one share just for fun. Hope dies last, though.
Step 6: How to Get Ready for Epic IPO FOMO
If you really want to “invest” in these impending IPOs, good luck, brave soldier. But maybe take a break for a second.
Let’s work on your plan:
Step 1: Search Google for when it’s happening and panic-refresh your brokerage app. Step 2: Talk to that one friend who “knows markets” (they don’t).
Step 3: Because you like the logo, buy one share at the top.
Step 4: Watch it crash, tweet “long-term investor mindset,” and act like you’re not crying. The IPO game isn’t about making money; it’s about getting through the emotional ups and downs with funny memes. Volatility is good for markets. You, on the other hand, do well with caffeine, denial, and acting like “it’ll bounce back.”
Step 7: The Truth No One Wants to Tell You
There is just one rationale for upcoming IPOs: to offer already-rich people a chance to cash out and make you feel like you have some influence over your money.
You are not their “partner in growth”; you are the way out. You’re the end of their story about starting a business.
But please don’t take that the wrong way. It’s still useful to learn, guess, and act like you’re early to something huge. This is just another example of America’s favorite logical flaw: this time will be different.
You might be able to leave with the next IPO. You might be the next savvy investor. Or maybe you’ll put it next to your Coinbase app in your “emotional damage investments” collection.
It’s OK either way. At least this time you got memes out of it.
Congratulations, you made it to the end. And no, you still can’t get pre-IPO access. Here’s what you need to know: the next IPOs may or may not make history, but they will definitely make drama.
If you have to, invest. Remember that every “big chance” comes with a free side of regret. What happens when it crashes? Don’t worry, there will be another one next week. Now go ahead and download another app for investing and act like you know what “valuation metrics” are. The American dream is still alive, somewhere between hope and overdraft penalties.
