Let’s get this straight: you’re not dumb for not knowing how to handle your money. You live in
a world where your high school taught you facts about mitochondria instead of how to
understand your credit score. You can identify areas of a cell, yet you freak out every time
your debit card “declines” for effect.
Until rent is due, money is phony. After that, it feels like your soul has been taken away. It’s
not fun to manage your money; it’s math, guilt, and always wondering if you really “needed”
that $23 salad.
This is your caffeine-fueled, sarcastic course in personal finance for dummies. We’ll explain
money like your broke friend who finally saw the light and downloaded Mint after three
overdraft fees.
You can’t budget if you don’t know where your money went. Lesson One
Let’s start with budgeting, which is like damage control for your spending problem.
A budget isn’t a harsh rule; it’s merely a way for adults to keep track of their money. Instead
than letting your money go into shady black holes called “Target” and “Uber Eats,” you tell it
where to go.
To begin, keep note of everything. Anything goes: apps, spreadsheets, cocktail napkins, etc.
You might first think, “Wow, I only spend $100 a week on food!” Then you’ll look at your
history and see that it’s really $400, and half of it was for “snacks.”
Make groups for things like rent, bills, groceries, debt, savings, and a fund for treating
caffeine addiction. Then cut back on something. Spoiler: It will hurt. But seeing that your
account balance is $1.83 also makes you feel bad.
You don’t need to use complicated plans. All you need is a calculator and honesty. Stop
saying things like “It’s self-care” when you really mean “I don’t know how to deal with my
problems.”
The day you realize that you’re not “treating yourself” but rather destroying yourself with
artisanal ice cream is the day your financial health begins.
Lesson Two: Banks Are Not Your Friends; They Are Just Your Frenemies in Suits
Banks love to call you a “valued customer,” but don’t be fooled—they’re the kind of friend
that would “accidentally” Venmo you $5 short and then get mad when you discover.
This is how their game really works:
Savings accounts offer you 0.01% interest, so after a year, your $1,000 will be worth
$1,000.10. Find one with better prices or go on.
Credit cards: advertised as “rewards,” but they’re really just bribes to keep you in debt.
Fees: the quiet killer of the poor. Banks are like professional pickpockets that wear logoed
polos and charge you for things like overdrafts, maintenance fees, and ATM fees.
What is the secret? Before they play you, learn how to play their game. Put your savings on
autopilot. Every month, pay off all of your credit cards. Use accounts that don’t charge
service fees “just because we can.”
And please, please do not take out payday loans. That’s not borrowing; it’s killing your own
economy.
Your bank isn’t there to help you with your money. It’s the dealer at the casino who smiles
while you lose your rent money.
Lesson Three: Debt isn’t bad, but ignoring it is.
There is good debt, like college loans, mortgages, and maybe your mom making you get a
car loan, and there is bad debt, like credit cards, Klarna, and Buy Now Cry Later programs.
Debt isn’t bad in and of itself; it’s just a tool. The difficulty is that you think of that leverage as
free money instead of worry in the future.
Step one is to know your numbers. Write them down. Every one of them. Yes, that one as
well. Not accepting something isn’t a plan for your money.
Step two: establish a plan on how to pay back. The two greats:
The snowball strategy says to pay off modest bills first to get dopamine spikes.
The avalanche strategy says to attack the ones with the highest interest rates first because
math is more important than feelings.
Choose one and stay with it like your life depends on it, because it kind of does.
And while you’re about it, avoid turning your regrets into “manageable monthly payments.”
Just because the app says “only $35/month” doesn’t mean your future self isn’t screaming in
your head.
Debt isn’t the bad guy. It’s like the monster in a horror movie: you stay alive by not acting like
it’s gone when the music stops.
Lesson 4: You need savings, and no, that doesn’t mean the balance in your “round-up” app.
Having money saved up is like having protection for your feelings. Life will definitely hit you
in the wallet: flat tires, dental emergencies, surprise “wedding invites” (extortion disguised as
happiness). Savings is what keeps those punches from putting your budget to sleep.
The rule of foolish adult logic is
Start with at least $1,000 in an emergency fund.
Then try to save enough money to cover your bills for three to six months. Yes, it is scary.
Being furloughed with nothing but vibes is also.
Set up automatic savings. When you don’t see the money in your bank account, it’s easy to
lie to yourself about how much you’re spending.
You don’t have to go all out with nine accounts called “Travel,” “Freedom,” and “Mansion
Manifestation.” Just get going.
It doesn’t matter if your initial emergency fund is only $20 and a sense of pride. You just
have to get started, or you’ll keep borrowing from your future self, and that person never
pays you back.
Lesson Five: Credit Scores—That Weird Number That Tells You How Much Your Life Costs
Your credit score is like your report card for adults, but instead of marks, it tells you whether
or not you have to pay higher interest rates.
A good score provides you inexpensive loans, lovely apartments, and the chance to feel
superior at family dinners. A nasty one? You’ll be begging Spectrum for your deposit back
like it’s money you got from your parents.
Here’s the breakdown:
Make sure you pay your bills on time. Being late by even two days can hurt you.
Don’t use all of your credit cards. Don’t use more than 30% of your data, or the algorithm will
think you’re going crazy.
Don’t open ten accounts merely to get points. The bank can see that you’re not really happy.
Credit Karma and your bank app both let you check it for free. Don’t worry too much; it
moves slower than your dating life but faster than news about student loan relief.
Your credit score is like reputation points in a role-playing game: the more you have, the
more doors you can open. If you lose some, you go back to being a peasant.
Lesson Six: Investing is the scariest way to make money while you sleep.
Investing isn’t some secret art that only Wall Street guys named Chase know how to do. It’s
as simple as placing your money somewhere that grows quicker than your worries.
Forget about the glitzy TikToks that show you how to pick stocks. The purpose of long-term
investing is that it’s boring. Index funds, ETFs, and retirement accounts like 401(k)s and
IRAs are the best ways to generate wealth.
Step 1: Get an investing account.
Step 2: Start making automatic payments.
Step 3: Don’t think about it till you’re in your 40s.
The more you wait, the more you’ll cry later when you see compound interest memes that
you didn’t act on.
And no, investment isn’t the same as gambling. Day trading on Robinhood is gambling.
Investing is mostly about being patient and letting compound interest do the work for you.
You don’t want to “beat the market.” You’re just trying to keep from losing to inflation.
Lesson 7: Lifestyle Creep, the Silent Killer of Bank Accounts
You finally got a pay raise. And instead of saving money or paying off debt, you made your
life better like it was DLC. You just hit “lifestyle creep.” Good job!
That’s when your costs suddenly rise to meet your revenue. You don’t “feel” richer because
you still can’t decorate the nicer flat you’re renting.
The solution? Stop living your life until your savings and investments catch up. Act like you’re
still poor, but you smell a little better.
People who are rich don’t get rich by upgrading every time they can; they get rich by
claiming they can’t.
If you spend your new money like you don’t want to make any money, it’s useless.
The Wrap-Up That Knows Itself
You either have the discipline of a monk or you’re putting off something vital, like your taxes,
if you’ve made it this far.
Here’s the scary truth: numbers don’t really matter when it comes to personal money. It’s
about making good habits, controlling your impulses, and staying sane while living in a
capitalist society.
You don’t need to be wealthy. You just need to quit hurting your future self for a quick
dopamine boost today. You can finally tell your bank account, “Maybe we’re gonna be okay,”
and nothing feels better than that.
So, close the app for Starbucks. Take a look at your budget. Send an email to HR about your
401(k).
You might just make it through adulthood—broke in humor but rich in survival skills.
