If you’ve ever watched CNBC for “just five minutes” and then wondered about everything
about capitalism, congratulations—you’ve seen markets news. Every headline goes from
utter gloom to crazy optimism, as if the economy operates on espresso and denial.
“Stocks reach all-time highs!” one day The next day, “Recession signals stronger than ever.”
Then a tech bro tweets something dumb, and all of a sudden trillions of dollars are gone.
Markets news is like the Kardashians of finance: superficial, sensational, and nevertheless
always there. Instead of family conflict, there are hedge funds, inflation, and scary jargon like
“economic headwinds.”
Let’s figure out what this crazy industry update means, since it seems that financial
journalism is essentially therapy with graphs.
Welcome to Financial Theater, where you may now see Panic and Glittery Graphs.
During market hours, you may turn on any news channel and get hit with two things right
away: panic and false confidence. Every anchor looks like they’re about to cry, but they can
still make you feel like the Dow went down because of you.
Markets news is like a soap opera for grown-ups who pretend to read The Wall Street
Journal.
Scene one: The reporters are sitting in front of a wall of red numbers.
Scene two: Someone whispers “global slowdown.”
Scene three: Jim Cramer is ranting again.
Keep doing it over and over.
It’s crazy how dramatic all of this is. A 0.4 percent dip in the markets is seen as the start of
the end of the world, but a rise is seen as a sign of hope for all of humanity.
“Dow up 200 points—the economy is back!”
Yes, and I feel better now that I drink decaf.
At the same time, economists use phrases like “fundamentals” and “volatility” to describe the
mess. In other words, they don’t know what’s going on either.
That Thing Everyone Pretends Exists: Market Confidence
“Consumer confidence rose/fell today” is a statement that appears in every news story on
the markets.
Yes, confidence. That magical number that shows how hopeful we all are about buying
bread when the economy is falling apart.
It seems that investors have “confidence,” but they also have “fears,” “concerns,” and a
“hunger for risk.” It’s like the five love languages, but for business.
“Markets gained confidence today after strong earnings data,” economists will say. The rest
of us, on the other hand, are like, “Cool, I just spent $5.79 on a carton of eggs, but I’m happy
for them.”
Confidence is their way of saying, “We don’t know why the market moved, but it felt… okay?”
Tech stocks, oil prices, and other characters in this financial soap opera
A new primary figure appears in the news every week on the markets. It’s usually tech
equities, because Silicon Valley has gotten really good at making billion-dollar losses sound
like big news.
“Apple stock drops because iPhone sales are down.”
“Tesla rises after Elon Musk blinks twice in public.”
“Amazon beats earnings expectations once more.”
The cycle never changes. Win, lose, spin, and do it all over again.
Sometimes, oil sneaks in and throws the whole market’s conversation into disarray. When
gas prices go up, everyone is to blame, from the President to the fact that your automobile
doesn’t get great gas mileage.
And let’s not forget about crypto, the toxic but interesting companion who is always “about to
bounce back.” Every time the market goes down, it’s “a buying opportunity,” and every time it
goes up, it’s “the future of money”—until it isn’t.
Your cousin still thinks that his coin named after a frog would make him a millionaire by
Christmas.
Markets news loves to tell stories. It needs bad guys (inflation), good guys (the Fed), and
funny people (billionaires on Twitter). And like all excellent TV shows, it hints at narrative
twists that never truly happen.
The Fed: America’s Favorite Bad Guy (or Good Guy, Depending on the Day)
The Federal Reserve is the most important thing in the news about markets. They are the
economy’s puppet masters, referees, and free therapists.
The Fed “manages risks well” when the markets go up. They “acted too late” when
everything went wrong. Jerome Powell’s name becomes famous when inflation goes up, like
a pop star.
“The Fed raised rates today.”
In other words, your blood pressure and credit card interest rates just went up.
The news about the markets loves the Fed but also blames it for everything. They’ll claim,
“The markets reacted positively to Powell’s remarks,” as if the man whispered lovely
economic nothings into Wall Street’s ear.
There is always either “historic tightening” or “unexpected pivot” in the news. The drama is
as big as Taylor Swift’s album releases.
People don’t really grasp what the Fed does other than “Please don’t raise my rent.” But that
doesn’t stop every commentator from picking apart Powell like he’s dropping secret lyrics on
NPR.
People who guess for a living, such investors and analysts
There are a lot of people whose jobs are to explain markets, usually by making confident
guesses.
The “market analysts” come on the air with beautiful charts and terminology like “bullish
trendlines,” which sound convincing until you realize they just changed the words in your
horoscope.
A typical template for market analysis is:
Say the headline again.
Say it’s because of “macroeconomic factors.”
Finish with “the outlook is still unclear.”
“We read the same news you did and don’t know either.”
And what about financial influencers? There is always that one TikToker in front of a
whiteboard, showing others how to buy stocks like a billionaire, even if they are clearly
shooting from their parents’ living room.
The world of markets journalism and influencer culture has become something terrible,
where people use Buzzwords™ like “hedging,” “asset allocation,” and “wealth-building
journey” to make it look like they didn’t lose money on Robinhood last week.
If someone says, “This isn’t financial advice,” you should know that the advice is going to be
really wrong.
How to Read Market News Without Wanting to Die
Realize that no one really knows anything.
Every prediction is just a guess based on facts and a lot of language.
Don’t update your investment app every 15 minutes.
The more you look, the worse it feels. Graphs in red are not personality traits.
Keep in mind that the markets don’t show how things really are.
You can still eat ramen and feel bad about it when Wall Street is going up.
After 3 p.m., don’t pay attention to anything that says “Breaking News.”
It’s never good, and it will ruin your night.
Have a laugh. Because if you don’t, you’ll cry.
Economics is a mess. Take it in.
Markets news is a carnival of contradictions that drains serotonin. Even if “the S&P 500
gains modestly” doesn’t signify anything to your rent payment, this is meant to make you feel
something.
In conclusion, you are now smarter with your money (and maybe your feelings? Not So
Much
If you made it this far, congratulations! You now know that 70% of market news is theater,
20% is data, and 10% is just plain wrong. Tomorrow, you’ll still look at the headlines and say
you “get it now,” even though you’ll have to Google half of the words right away.
Don’t worry; everyone else is pretending too. That’s what makes the markets so great. No
one knows what’s going on, but we all dress it up with caffeine and confidence.
So go ahead. Act like you know why the Dow is up, nod along when people talk about
money, and think of every stock market headline as what it is: reality TV for those who are
tired of life.
(Extra credit: After five minutes, turn off CNBC. Your mind will be grateful.
