One thing is clear: no one really knows what crypto is. Not your relative who constantly
saying “blockchain” like it’s a religion. Not that YouTuber who has 400 monitors and no sleep
pattern. Not even the man who says he made six figures on Ethereum but still lives with his
parents.
But here you are, bright-eyed, caffeinated, and recklessly hopeful, ready to “get into crypto.”
This is the digital playground where everyone thinks they’re Warren Buffett until their
checkbook says, “network fee declined.”
This tutorial is for you: the newbie, the dreamer, and the person who wants to turn their rent
money into riches without having to read 27 Reddit threads. Grab a drink (make it something
strong), and let’s delve into the delusion together.
So what the hell is crypto, anyway?
Okay, let’s take off the Band-Aid. Math makes up the digital money that is crypto. Nothing
real. Not any coins. No bills. There are just limitless ones and zeros on the internet that
sometimes act like they are worth anything.
It uses something called a blockchain, which sounds scary because it is. The blockchain is
like a shared online notebook that keeps track of transactions. It’s open to everyone, can’t be
deleted, and isn’t owned by anybody. It’s like a messy group project that grades itself.
People like it because it is “decentralized.” In other words, there are no banks, no
middlemen, and no customer care line to call when you send your life savings to the wrong
address by mistake. Fun!
In short, crypto isn’t real money.
There isn’t really anything behind it.
But it runs on blind faith and too much coffee.
Do you remember when people would say, “This one is worth a lot” about baseball cards?
That’s what crypto is, except with bad timing, feelings, and algorithms.
Buying crypto is like saying, “Take my money.”
You want to get in. You’re ready to be a part of the future. The good news is that it’s easier
than ever to spend money you probably won’t see again.
Download an exchange app as the first step. Choose your poison: Coinbase, Binance, or
Kraken. They’ll check who you are by asking for everything except your blood type and your
report card from kindergarten. Then, congrats! You can now buy your first piece of digital
pandemonium.
But here’s the thing: crypto doesn’t work like regular money.
The prices change faster than a roulette wheel in Vegas. It’s worth $1,000 today. $450 for
tomorrow? Next week? Back to $1,200, and you think you’re a genius—until it crashes
again.
It’s not a market; it’s a relationship that hurts you emotionally.
And yes, you might “HODL,” which is crypto lingo for “hold on for dear life.” It was a mistake
at first, but now it’s the official way for millennials to deal with problems.
Also known as “The Cloud With Commitment Issues,” meet the Blockchain.
Picture a Google Doc that anyone in the globe can change, except instead of removing
content, you just keep adding additional pages. That’s what the blockchain is.
This huge shared ledger keeps track of every crypto transaction. No one owns it, no one
controls it, but people still trust it. The perplexity of all people has never been so good for
business.
To make it seem sexier, crypto folks added phrases like “mining” and “validation,” which
simply mean “computers doing math in a rough way.” Miners earn fresh coins for checking
transactions, which is cute until you realize it takes enough energy to run Detroit.
The blockchain is still strangely smart. It functions like democracy, but instead of politicians
and turmoil, it runs on caffeine and processors (well, maybe not that different).
What you should take away is If you get 5% of it, you’re ahead of 90% of the internet.
Yes, everything is recorded forever, so maybe don’t use it to buy that sketchy object from the
dark web.
Crypto Terms You Will Pretend to Know
Before someone calls you a “noob” in a Discord chat, let’s figure out some fundamental
lingo.
Bitcoin: the first cryptocurrency. Some people say it will save the economy, while others say
it will end it.
Ethereum is the overachieving sibling that enables you make NFTs and apps.
NFTs are digital art collectibles for folks who thought it was fun to buy JPGs for $200,000.
Altcoins are any coins that aren’t Bitcoin. Like covers of songs that no one requested for.
Wallets are where you keep your crypto. Cold wallets are offline (like a USB stick of anxiety),
while hot wallets are online (which is easy but unsafe).
Gas fees: Charges that make you doubt your decisions in life.
And my favorite is “rug pull,” which is when a coin creator suddenly takes all the money and
runs away. It’s like if your Uber driver left with your bags while you were still in the car, but
with money.
The word “DeFi” refers for “decentralized finance,” but it might also mean “definitely
confusing.”
Why Everyone Believes They’re a Crypto Smart
Crypto has made average individuals think they are financial prophets. They’ll tell you with
great confidence that this coin will “moon” (go up) or that blockchain is “the future of
civilization.” At the same time, their whole portfolio is worth less than a PS5.
These are the same people that told us not to worry and to trust the process in 2021. Since
then, they have been discreetly deleting their tweets.
But that’s what makes crypto so great. It’s a mix of hope and complete disbelief. You could
lose half of your net worth in one night, yet you would still label it “a dip.” What? Because it’s
not okay to accept failure.
A reality check: crypto isn’t magic. People converted arithmetic, coding, and a little bit of
shared illusion into a global economy. To be fair, that’s very impressive. People saw false
points on a screen and exclaimed, “I’ll give you my house for that.”
People in this market brag about being broke because they “believe in the technology.”
The Crypto Investors’ Emotional Support Group
Congratulations! You are now part of an unauthorized therapy group that looks like a market.
People are scared, people are pretending to be fine, and people are looking at charts at 3
a.m. and saying, “It’s coming back.”
You’ll feel every sensation that money can buy and take away:
Excitement (you just made $50!).
Panic (you just lost $200!).
You tell yourself it’s “long-term.”
Acceptance (you know you’re a gambler with extra stages).
Then you’ll start getting other people to join, not because it’s a good idea, but because
misery likes company.
You find up explaining “staking” to your aunt during Thanksgiving dinner while pretending
your portfolio isn’t sobbing.
Is it a good idea to put money into crypto?
Let’s be honest: crypto isn’t for people who are easily scared. It’s unstable, not controlled,
and a little scary. But it’s also enjoyable, silly, and somehow hard to stop doing. It’s like
dating someone with red flags but a nice Spotify selection when it comes to money.
You can go ahead and dip in, but start small. You should only put money into something that
you can afford to lose, both personally and financially. (If that sum is “the price of a large
pizza,” you’re already ahead of most people.)
Also, don’t let crypto dudes talk you into thinking this is the way to get rich quickly. There is a
guy who sells his PlayStation to pay for gas for every millionaire who becomes one
overnight. If you don’t balance your hopes with comedy, you’ll end up surrendering your
sanity for digital currency.
The Exit Interview: Welcome to the Confused Capitalists Club
Congratulations if you made it to the finish. You now know just enough about crypto to sound
threatening at parties and lose money in a smart way. You aren’t rich yet, and you aren’t
broke yet, but you are officially “crypto aware,” which is like the first step to studying charts
late at night.
No matter if you jump in or decide to keep your money in FDIC-insured dollars that are safe
for dogs, remember that we don’t know anything here. The blockchain is a fever dream,
crypto is a meme with a business plan, and to be honest, you’re already ahead of someone
because you showed up.
Now go out and invest like a mad genius. Or don’t. I’m not your financial counselor; I’m just
another person on the internet who drinks too much coffee and tries to make sense of false
money and stupid choices.
