If you’re reading this, you’ve either just looked at your bank account and thrown up a
little in your mouth, or you’re putting off a long to-do list that is now a “living
document.” You might have typed “personal finance books” into Google and hoped
that one of them was called “The Secret to Not Crying in Starbucks Bathrooms.” I’ve
read more tips on how to make money than I’ve really made. Grab your oat milk
coffee and accompany me on this Ferris wheel of financial knowledge, tinged with
sarcasm, student debt, and the distant sound of your parents inquiring if your job
affords you health insurance.
Does reading about money help you get more money?
No. But it does add “financial trauma literacy” to your LinkedIn profile. Why not start
there?
How to Not Lose Your Life Savings (Spoiler: No one listens)
So, you want to “get your finances together” since TikTok taught you that adults
should know more than just which Star Wars character is their emotional support
animal.
Dave Ramsey’s “The Total Money Makeover” is the first personal finance book.
Have you ever wanted to be financially abused by a guy who labels credit cards “evil”
like they’re teen vaping? Dave is the one you want. He’ll yell “debt is dumb” at you
until you feel bad about going to Target. He gives off the air of “Dad at Thanksgiving
after his third IPA.”
Robert Kiyosaki wrote “Rich Dad Poor Dad,” which is the second book in the Personal
Finance series.
The story of “dueling dad” that everyone loves. Is “Rich Dad” a made-up person?
Possibly. Is “Poor Dad” likely your college teacher? Yes, for sure. The short answer is:
think rich, act rich, and merely be born with connections (why didn’t I think of that?).
Book #3 on personal finance: “I Will Teach You to Be Rich” by Ramit Sethi
Subtitle: I’ll Teach You How to Get Mad When You See Your Bank Fees. After you pay
Ramit $16 for the paperback, he urges you to avoid lattes, set up automatic
payments, and “live your rich life.” Is this advise very basic? Yes. Does it still slap?
Yes, too.
At the same time, your monthly spending tracker is stuck in Google Sheets, judging
you from its tab tomb. We love to see this!
People Who Didn’t Finish the Book Gave It Five Stars
You know how reviews on Goodreads are either “This changed my life!” or “I wouldn’t
recommend it to my worst enemy”? Those are books about personal finance. No one
really finishes them unless they have a podcast called “Wealthy Mindset Hour.”
In Real Life:
Bought a book to make me feel better.
Read the first chapter, “Budget.”
Instead, I decided to shop for throw pillows online.
Let the book sit close to perfumed candles and thoughts of death.
Is there a book about personal finance that doesn’t act as you’re already a CEO?
No. These books are written as if you only need to “make coffee at home” and then
wake up in Martha’s Vineyard. If you want budgeting advice that don’t assume you
make six figures, keep looking. Spoiler: Your landlord called. The book says, “Try
sharing your studio with four other adults.”
Budgeting is like eating kale: you know it’s good for you, but you still hate it.
Do you want to know why “setting a budget” is like broccoli for adults? “Track every
dollar” is a lot less enjoyable than munching Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in your Ikea bed
while you’re angry.
Let’s do some Millennial/Gen Z Financial Mad Libs:
My way of thinking about budgeting is ____ (just vibes).
The personal financial expert I like best is ____ (the one who creates
TikToks in sweatpants).
My largest cost is ____ (birth fees, skincare for emotional support, or
both).
And don’t forget about apps that help you save by “rounding up your change.”
Well done! In the last four months, you’ve saved $6.45. Buy just one organic
strawberry.
If keeping track of your subscriptions hasn’t made you crazy, are you even managing
personal finance right?
After three lattes, all personal finance books sound the same.
After you’ve read two or three of these novels, you’ll realize something:
Everyone says, “Invest early.”
Everyone says, “Debt is bad.”
“Stop buying $7 pumpkin spice cold brew,” they all say.
None of them suggest, “Move to a city where rent is less than your left kidney.”
Are there any exceptions? Of course. But the chances of being rich by reading books
about money…
In other words, the stock market is less unstable than my desire to care about
“high-yield savings accounts.” You just want to buy anything on Klarna and feel alive
sometimes.
Instead, they should write these books:
“How to Tell Someone Your Net Worth Is Negative Without Crying.”
“How to Live with a Credit Score Lower Than Your SATs”
“Don’t if you want to retire.”
The Key to Financial Success: Lower Your Expectations
Here’s a crazy personal finance tip that books will never tell you: Half the stress
comes from trying to “win” at money when you just want to pay your rent and still be
able to watch HBO Max. So, instead of trying to be “rich dad,” just be “not crying at
checkout.” It’s easier to get than you think.
Hot Takes for the Poor Soul:
Stop reading, create a side business, and realize that your day job rewards you in
existential tiredness and not much else.
Understand that “saving for retirement” means “cross your fingers and hope global
capitalism doesn’t blow up.”
Spend money on things that make you feel alive, and then ask yourself if feeling alive
is worth $48 in service fees.
Don’t be ashamed. Welcome pandemonium. Let’s not talk about passive income at
the next budget meeting. Let’s talk about passive hostility instead. And don’t forget
that every book you finish is worth at least 47 Instagram Stories about how you’ve
grown. #GetUpAndGoOrWhatever
Good job. You read all the way through. You either have a billion dollars or your
phone died and this page is the only thing that is still open. You’re probably lying if
this made you want to “take control” of your money. But who knows, maybe one day
you’ll publish a book about how you converted your worries about school loans into
funny content. That’s income that comes in without you doing anything, right?
