CNBC is the channel your dad keeps on full blast as he sleeps on the couch, saying he’s “just checking the markets.” It always seems like breaking news, even when the news is “Dow opens slightly lower.” It’s loud and dramatic. If you’ve ever watched CNBC to “understand what’s going on,” you know how it feels to drink four espressos and then get smacked with 47 acronyms you’ve never heard of. NASDAQ, CPI, GDP, and YOLO—well, maybe not that last one (but kind of). CNBC doesn’t teach you how the market works; it teaches you how quickly people can panic when numbers go down. So get your coffee, sit down, and let’s make fun of CNBC’s coverage of the markets, which is like a wild circus where capitalism meets caffeine and everyone acts like they’re fine.
Step 1: The Daily Market Meltdown (Now in High Definition) Every weekday morning, turning on CNBC is like entering into the middle of a family fight. There are three tickers racing over the screen, and the anchors are yelling. A man in a horrible tie is raving about “futures looking soft.” Every morning, I say, “The Dow is down 200 points.” “Investors think about inflation concerns and the S&P drops.” “NASDAQ moves a little as things are unclear.” And then, like clockwork, someone says, “But the long-term fundamentals are still strong.” Of course, Jan. CNBC has learned how to make people panic while also being hopeful. You’ll watch for five minutes, and during that time, your feelings will move through all seven stages of sorrow before the next commercial for Mutual Funds You’ll Never Buy. The news crawl at the bottom seems like an economics hostage note. And they never stop. Not ever. Someone in Frankfurt sneezed? “Markets react to pressure from around the world.” Oil went up 0.3%? Markets are being careful. There may be real peace on Earth, but they would still remark, “Investors are unsure about lower defense spending.”
Step 2: The Anchors Are Just Adrenaline and Haircuts CNBC anchors live on the brink, always on the verge of breaking down in public or smiling. Every time they have to read something like, “Markets surge despite rising global tensions,” you can see how hard it is for them. To be honest, these folks are simply telling a story about a boss fight in an open environment that they have no control over. The excitement is at a professional level, a mix of worry, coffee, and a contract. And don’t even pretend you don’t get a little pleasure out of watching them uncomfortably talk to each other: “Good morning, Becky.” “Good morning, Andrew.” Today, the markets are, um, mixed. “Don’t they always?” They all sound like they’ve been up since 2 a.m. trying to figure out what Jerome Powell’s telepathic messages mean. Take a shot every time they say “volatility” as a fun drinking game (but don’t really do it). You will definitely need to see a doctor by 11 a.m. Every day, at least one anchor acts calm when their body is actually vibrating. Jim Cramer is the other one, and he doesn’t do calm at all.
Step 3: Jim Cramer—The Market’s Midlife Crisis in Person Jim Cramer is the man, the myth, and the yelling-in-a-studio legend. It sounds like a motivational speaker and a broken foghorn are talking at the same time when you see him on CNBC’s “Mad Money.” He yells, sweats, and pushes buttons on the soundboard like a hyperactive toddler who just found GarageBand. One minute he’s yelling “BUY, BUY, BUY!” and throwing his arms around. Then he tells you to “stay disciplined,” like an economic dad who just learned about bitcoin. Is he correct? Not important. Jim Cramer doesn’t care about logic; he cares about emotional theater. He gives financial advise like a Broadway show. Half of the people who listen to him think he’s a prophet. The other half feels he is to blame for the fact that their retirement account now looks like roadkill. No matter what, he’s a star in show industry. It smells like Red Bull and is full of pandemonium and hope, like Wolf of Wall Street meets daytime TV.
Step 4: The Guests—People Who Are Good at Guessing and Have Fancy Titles If you watch CNBC for long enough, you’ll see that they bring on “experts” every 12 minutes to “analyze” the markets. In other words, guessing with the same level of confidence as a PowerPoint presentation. A common observation from guests is, “We could see some headwinds going into Q4.” (Meaning: “I don’t know either.”) “Investors should be careful.” (Translation: “Please don’t sue me.”) “This is a chance to buy.” (Please don’t sell.) It will ruin my portfolio. Guests on CNBC always fit into one of three groups: Economists Who Sound Bored: They talk in riddles like “macroeconomic tightening within consumer sentiment cycles.” Tech Bros in Blazers: They say “AI” every other word. Wealth managers named Chad who smile too much while saying, “the markets are self-correcting.” In the meanwhile, you merely wanted to know if you should sell your ETF in a panic or not. They’ll end every chapter with the most ambiguous advise possible: “stay the course.” That doesn’t help when your brokerage app looks like a crime scene.
Step 5: The Graphics Are Too Busy Every show on CNBC looks like a NASCAR race and Windows 95 had a baby. There are a lot of stock tickers, headlines, a random logo animation, and my favorite thing is the bar that changes all the time to represent how the Dow is feeling, like a live heartbeat monitor.
Colors: Green means “Maybe everything is okay.” Red means “complete hopelessness.” Yellow means “Even CNBC doesn’t know what’s going on.” It’s like caffeine for your eyes. You can still hear it even if you turn it off. Your brain is just static with the phrases “DOW… FUTURES… INFLATION…” playing over and over again by the tenth minute. It’s hard to identify what’s significant because there is so much data. If they flashed “Global Markets Collapse,” you could think it was a Best Buy commercial.
Step 6: “The Markets Are Reacting” — But to what? Ah yeah, CNBC’s favorite saying: “The markets are reacting.” What exactly are you reacting to, Bob? How’s the weather? Beyoncé’s new album? Mercury going backwards? Every hour, CNBC says the markets are “responding to data.” Markets really do respond to vibes. Is there a rumor concerning interest rates? Stocks fall. Someone at the Fed is smiling funny? Stocks go up. It’s more like mood swings with numbers than a science. According to economists, “investor sentiment” is what drives markets. In other words, fear, greed, and TikTok traders who bought Tesla at the peak. Picture your feelings as a brokerage account; that’s what the stock market is like in real time. So, when CNBC confidently says, “Markets are reacting to strong consumer data,” what they really mean is, “Everyone went crazy after brunch.”
Step 7: Why We Keep Watching We keep watching even though things are crazy. Why? Because CNBC makes the markets seem clear, even when they aren’t. It’s like a play about money: quick, colorful, and surprisingly relaxing. We love to see other people freak out at work. CNBC provides us that: a daily dose of excitement and pleasure at other people’s misfortunes, all wrapped up in dollar signs and language. Also, let’s be honest: it’s fun to act like you care about “pre-market indicators” while eating cereal at 8:37 a.m. It’s like watching sports for adults: you cheer when it’s green, cry when it’s red, and blame Powell like he’s the referee. Good job, You Can Now Speak CNBC (Sort Of) Congratulations on getting this far! You’ve attained a greater degree of understanding of capitalism. You now know that when CNBC says something like “The markets are volatile,” it means that no one knows what’s going on. “Long-term fundamentals remain strong” means “Please stop selling everything.” “Analysts are cautiously optimistic” is like saying “It could be worse” in the world of finance. So the next time your dad says, “Turn on CNBC; I want to check the markets,” you can nod and seem to know what he’s talking about. Then you can Google “what’s a yield curve.” Because deep down, none of us know what’s going on, and CNBC is the last place we should look. But they do make the fear fun to see. Thank you, investor, for getting it to the end. Now, refresh your app and act like watching CNBC really boosted your portfolio.
